I Believe Again

My stay this weekend at B.I was not as successful as I wished. As you read, I went in Thursday, got the catheter placed on my pancreas, the feeding tube put in, as well as the folio. I was in great pain the entire day, and when Dr. Mullen went back in on Friday to insert the medicine he could tell it was infected, he took it out, and inserted a new catheter which felt much better. Thank God! Any who the day and night went on, my sister-in-law sat outside my room the entire time keeping friends and family updated. Saturday approached and I had a rough night, I had been put on a ventilator due to extreme difficultly breathing mainly due to a blood clot in my lungs. I was finally taken off and was waiting to be "stable" enough to go in for another injection of medicine, mentally and physically I was not in a good spot. I had awful nausea, still very uncomfortable, and I tubes coming out of everywhere; my arm, my area, and my nose...
Honestly I started asking myself is this all worth it? What happens if it doesn't work, and I spend my last weeks or months away from life, Kevin, my family and friends... I wouldn't want to go like that, I would want to be spending everyday with my one, living everyday to the fullest, taken rides to feel free. Meanwhile I actually talked to Kevin, and that didn't go so well either... It was like icing on the cake to my already bad day.
I have this thing where I shut down when I get really upset, mostly scared, disappointed and ashamed of myself.. I like to hibernate.. Hibernate about what? Reality- I could die, and I am freaking terrified!
But in this case hibernating is and was not to my best interest by any means. I ripped the folio, the ivy, and attempted to rip the feeding tube.. I was screaming and crying, and repeating over and over again, "That's it, I am done, I am throwing in the towel." I wouldn't talk to anyone, staff and family were coming in trying to talk to me, calm me down, and then Dr. Mullen came in and said, "If this your choice to quit, there is nothing more I can do without you trying, and you will die."
I remained quiet for the rest night, and Kevin had been texting my sister-in-law back in fourth, and finally convinced her to read texts to me to get me to talk. I caved, and talked to Kevin... I told him that I would be home in the morning and that I would be going back to B.I on Monday.
He picked me up this morning on "our" bike :) and we went for a long ride to the reservoir. He knew that a ride alone, would help free me of pain and worry. It was incredible, the way the sun kissed down on us as we were on the bike.. and how I could close my eyes as we driving, and feel nothing but the wind in my face, and hear the sound of the bike. When we got there, we walked up this hill, with his arm around me and just stood there and looked at the picture-est view... I felt free and close to God... I started to regain some much needed faith.. And simply just to believe. Just looking out and standing next to my best friend who I am in love with .. I ask myself why must I be sick. We sat on the grass looking at the view.. Kevin then said, "Imagine waking up to this every morning." And I said, "I imagine waking up every morning."
As we sat there, we started to talk, just talk, about feelings and emotions running through our bodies. It was a really good talk, a lot sad and a lot happy. I felt after that talk we made another step toward our future our life with one another.. It is baby steps that we both need to make, but we both realized one thing..I have to fight to be here literally be here, and Kevin has to fight his conscience..We realized that as we fight for ourselves we are ultimately fighting for each other.. and simple happiness.. We know it does not matter where we live or what we have because the only thing that we need is each other.. No there is no such thing as the perfect, but there is such a thing as Perfect for Each Other...
As I started packing my things for the week and Kevin had left, I talked to Grampy who often gives me very blunt but wise advice. He told me JUST DO IT. That I don't have any other choice, to forget about everything else, and just fight. And if it doesn't work, at least I did do everything I could. That it is okay to be scared to die, and he said he would be too.. I cried yet again... and then he made me laugh, hard, but some texts.. :) I am laughing now thinking about it... it feels good!
And so time will tell what happens next...Good Luck To Me.. is that selfish to say? I really want to be here till the end. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and angry and I think about quitting, but I do want to be here..
I want to go through the motions and live with my soul mate, to have that look, and the feeling of home.