May

Kevin and I were having rough days, feelings and emotions were all over the place.. We tried taking days off from each other but it was near impossible.. In the past couple weeks I have found the tumors on pancreas have returned.. I went back in for surgery where Dr. Mullen put the sensors back on.. and told me that I have to step up my game or I will be on a very short time frame to live..
As that news came about the tumors returning, I miscarried before I could tell Kevin that I was even pregnant. My grandfather had passed away the week that I miscarried, and my grandmother had passed the month before.. Kevin and I were not in "love" land and life just seemed to be at halt. So many emotions; anger, fear, sadness, disappoint, and simply the thought of why...
I was emotionally damage, and one afternoon as Kevin and I were having a fight of sorts I came out and told him.. I told him everything.. how my cancer had come back and that I was pregnant..but I miscarried.. and how I saw life crashing and I didn't kn0w what to do .. He of course was in shock, and felt all of the same emotions as I have been feeling... He asked over and over why I didn't tell him about our baby, and I just said I couldn't, especially after finding him there..And I told him how the doctors said if I made it past 3 months that I would most likely carry full term.
Kevin and I talk about our baby and agree that it would have been a girl, and she would have been beautiful, with big beautiful lips like her mom and dad.. but now God who brought Kevin and I together has her.. our baby by his side.. And is watching over us, and helping us stay strong and keep our faith.
Presently today I am waiting to go in to B.I with my Aunt. I am receiving internal radiation that is deadly and will hopefully kill the cancer cells that remain in my body. It is so powerful where I cant see people and even the staff at the hospital needs to take extreme caution.
And honestly I am scared, I have been scared before, but this is one of my last hopes, I don't want a timeline on how long I have left and I am going to fight and do everything I can to be here, and to be with my best friend.. Our baby is watching us, God is watching, our families are praying, I have become part of not only Kevin's immediate family, but his extended family.. They told me yesterday I am apart of them and their life.. I am going to beat this. This is no other choice... My time is not up, and struggles are apart of life and love.. I look forward to 5 years from now, to be in remission, and laugh when something comes up in Kevin and I's life and we sit back and say we are team and we can handle everything..
I am on prayer lines, I hold the medallion of the blessed mother, I believe angel, a medal of Saint Anthony, and another medal I wear around my neck.. I will not disappoint anyone.. and God knows that I need to be here.. and I will continue to stand by my best friend and live life with him.. Second chances.. right? everybody deserves one second chance.. and not to settle.. in the great book Gates of Fire... to love is to fear..
I WILL BEAT THIS! I am not done.. My life, Our Life is just beginning...we have gone through more than any two people ever do in a life time together...

Struggles are Apart of Life

Time has gone on and Kevin and I have grown closer than ever... I never thought for second that two people who had a rough start could be brought back together, so much in love, and have helped each other on so many different levels... Since February as I said I have undergone surgeries, chemo, and radiation. I formally met Kevin's parents at a healing mass that Father Paco was holding. I instantly saw so much of Kevin in both of his parents..Not really having time to talk to them, being that we were at mass in all, they were sweet and caring...Just for them to come and show support for Kevin and I and what I was going through said a lot. His parents and I started talking and I would visit them at their home, I felt welcomed and loved by them instantly. With everything going on, I still felt good at where I was and where Kevin and I were. Some days were definitely better than others- physically and emotionally that is. The days of chemo made me feel like death the day of and a few days after ..which was very hard for Kevin.. Watching him watch me go through this, and being able to do nothing is an awful feeling... I could not imagine watching him go through something and not being able to fix it or help. Regardless...we were moving on, and he would tell me day in and day out how much he loved me, and how I was his one..as we approached April I was getting both good news and bad news from Dr. Mullen... which of course put strain on our relationship.. was I or could I die.. Whats going to happen..
Kevin started acting a bit different.. and I would question him.. he would tell me not to worry, things are just hard right now, between me being sick, trying to start the divorce process, and watching his girls have good days and bad days without him being there...
Well one night my gut instinct told me something wasn't right .. I was at B.I that day and found out I was pregnant..almost 2 months pregnant that is... I was shocked, happy, and scared .. For my own health reasons all the doctors agreed it would be life threatening for me to carry full term with my condition.. I didn't care ... Bringing life into this world, with the man I love my very best friend was the best feeling.. Also at the beginning of treatment back in February the team told me, for me to conceive a child now and in the future was extremely rare to near impossible... But we were able to, I thought to myself, this is a sign, another sign from God, to bring Kevin and I closer together..
So that night I told Kevin I was staying the the B.I, and he told me he was home and going to bed, that he loved me and could not wait to see me the following day... Well I followed him that night, and where did he go? To who I thought was his ex girlfriends house, I sat there I cried, and then I became numb, I didn't believe this was happening.. I couldn't believe I fell for him, his lines, his words, and his actions ... Needless to say I got out of the car went up and confronted him..Never mind being so sick but I was pregnant with our baby..
There were lots of words being said between her, him, and I... I told him I would walk away if he said she was his one... I also told him how I called one of his best friend before I walked up to her door, and all Kevin said was did he tell you I don't give a F*ck about her.. I again said I'll walk away, its your choice.. Long story short he left with me. and told me I was his one.
The next he called and picked me up, we drove around, stopped and saw his parents, went to eat... but we were both in shock... numb.. and overwhelmed..
I started thinking to myself why me? why now? why this? I just found out I was pregnant and instead of embracing the news, I kept it from him.. and it was an awful feeling.. A couple weeks have gone on ... and

Father Paco

So as I was saying I was introduced to these two men who at the time I did not realize would be life changing to not only me, my family, but to Kevin, Kevin's family, and to Kevin and I. Dr. Mullen and his amazing team, were able to diagnose me with Pancreatic Cancer, which over time spread throughout my stomach. I have had multiple surgeries in which his team has removed part of my stomach, small intestines, spleen, and part of my liver. I got radio-sensors placed on the actual tumors on my pancreas to constantly help make my pancreas better. I was doing rounds of chemo and radiation and even though I was under going all of this, I still could have been doing a little more on my part to get better...
Father Paco who is known for his healing prayers and masses all over was brought to our (Kevin and I's) attention by his Aunt, who had seen him multiple times and as I said is now a Five Year Survivor of Breast Cancer and she is also in her 70's which is an incredible story in it own.
I met his Aunt, who I took right too, she completely took me under her wing.. She talked to me about being sick, about not only the physical aspect but the emotional and mental aspect of it as well. I cry and have cried to her multiple times and she always talked about Father Paco.
So I knew my next step, I called Father Paco and was able to set up a meeting with him..Kevin and I went we walked in and he was so warm and loving.. He thought we were there to do pre-marital counseling... we spoke to him for a few minutes and then he had Kevin stand behind me with his hands on my shoulders and Father Paco knelt down, put healing ointment on my forehead and started praying..His hands were warm, he released all the pain and anxiety from my body at that moment.. He wished Kevin and I a lifetime of happiness together, that we are strong individuals but stronger together.. To accept my disease and what God has in stored for me. ..When he was done, I was light headed and didn't know if I was going to be able to get up from the chair. Father Paco brought tears to Kevin and I..and we left.. He told me to keep him updated and that there is healing mass every fourth Monday of the month.
I feel after our meeting with Father Paco, we started to evaluate life, our relationship, and stopped taking so many things for granted..
Not only did Kevin and I realize it, but his family did too.. That fate brought us together.. To help each other.. For him to move on, to trust, have faith, and to get a second chance of being in love.. real mutual love..honestly what could be better than being in love with your best friend. And he showed me and gave me will to fight, he showed me what real love is, and to have faith, and have a best friend who I love and loves me back.. Kevin has shown me that their one special someone for everyone .. and He is mine ... even if their are struggles

August to Febuary

So Kevin and I started to see each other regularly. He told me he was out of his house, and seeing someone and honestly I thought nothing of it. We were just two people from each others past who came back to hang out. We were going out a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean every night till all hours. The end of September came and it was a girlfriend's birthday and we were all going to Boston to celebrate, I of course invited Kevin who invited one of his good friends who I had hung up with previously. We all went and had an amazing time; it was fun, full of laughs, dancing, eating, and drinking. And to be quite honest it was good showing two people who regularly saw me completely intoxicated that I could go out and just have fun with a couple drinks.
Needless to say Kevin and I were slowly hooking up with one another.. Our kiss alone makes me speechless, the way our lips press against each other, the fullness the softness even the wetness is all just enough.. We then started to sleep with each other not regularly but often enough... I wanted to, but he was with someone. Months carried on, and it came time for my birthday, yes he got me something that I really wanted but it was the card he got me..or I should say what he wrote in the card...It was funny but sweet and and really just said how we balance each other, and how we are ourselves with each other at all the times..
**On a side note I have been sick, with what I did not know, but had severe stomach problems, pain, vomiting, and blood. I had been going through multiple tests and still very much dissatisfied with the results.
Okay, back to us, so Kevin started telling me that he was seeing this woman less and less, and that she was great, sweet, and had a great body...But she wasn't his match, he was bored, their personalities didn't match as much as they could. Saying nothing wrong with her, it just wasn't his match..
We both agreed how crazy of a match we were, yes we are physically attracted to each other, but our personalities, our sense of humor, and our passions are insanely the same... We don't even need to say anything we look at each other and we laugh, or we just know what each other is thinking. We love to go out, but we love to stay in, we love the same movies, music, motorcycles, and simply we are just able to be each other with one another. I know this may seem to good to be true, but it is not. It is real. We finally after a year in a half started to know who each other was and couldn't get enough of it.
January is when things started getting difficult. I first and foremost found out that I had cancer. Not skin cancer or anything, but first diagnosed with small intestinal cancer and then later diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I remember the night I told Kevin, we were at nice dinner and I told him I was very sick.. And I would be starting some type of treatment very very soon....After that night everything changed. He came and told me he was done with the other woman.. That he loved me, and I was his one, his soul mate.. And of course the feeling was mutual. A couple weeks went on, and I was not getting better in any sort of way. Kevin soon started talking to his parents about me, which I thought was great.. He is serious enough about me to talk his parents.. His parents then spoke to his Aunt who is a stage 3 breast cancer survivor, and through the grapevine news traveled through Kevin's family I was introduced to the incredible Dr. Mullen at B.I in Boston and a healing priest Father Paco out of Framingham...

How it all started again....

The separation of Kevin and I was hard at first but was the best thing that could have happened to me at the point in my life. Within months I started loving and respecting myself, learning ways to deal with my emotions and thoughts. I was learning new things about myself, and realized what I wanted in life and finally stopped settling for something okay...That I deserved something and someone great. And I also had stopped drinking.
Kevin and I ended in around December 07 and I really thought it was it with him. I started driving responsibly and hanging around with good people. I was then able to have a drink, and be okay with just one, and not numb myself. As the summer of 08' started I had seen Kevin's truck drive by, and yes of course it sparked my interest but did not pursue anything. I saw his trucked parked one day and I knew he had to be with his kids, and thought should I just go in, so I can get a quick glimpse.. and still chose not too. I ended up running into a good friend of his, who had introduced to us. His friend seemed taken back with the new me. I was happy, healthy, not drunk, no tears, and was just full of life. He took my new number, and we talked once a week maybe. I then ran into another good friend of Kevin's and he too I felt saw the new real me, again full of life and love.
Then August 25ish came, my phone started ringing, it was about 10 o'clock at night and it was restricted I was sitting outside my gym. I picked up and say hello, and all i heard was hello back. I asked who it was, and he said you know. And I said no I don't know, and he said yes he do....I went into shock. ..I kept saying no no no.. it cant be... and it was Kevin! He asked if I wanted to meet up sometime and I said sure. We met the next night after almost 10 months of no contact and had dinner.. He looked incredible, everything about him was perfection... We left dinner and he then asked if I wanted to go up to this lake.. and I said sure. As I was following him to the lake, I panicked and thought to myself I didn't want it to be like this.. I wanted to show him me, the real me, who he never knew. ...I ditched him that night, and I didn't have his number, and he called for a week straight before I picked up... I was scared, nervous, and excited.. but I knew I was doing the right thing by not going with him there that night.

Overview..

I met this guy Kevin two years ago this past memorial day weekend, he was 34 and I was 21. You think the age gap might have been the only problem.Unannounced to my knowledge at first he was married, going through problems but still very much married and living in the house with his wife and two girls. He works locally for the town next door to the town we both live in. I met a couple of his friends before meeting him, we went out, had fun, and hooked up. One of his friends proceeded to introduce me to Kevin for what reason I dont know, being married in all. Anyways, I met Kevin and thought he was perfect... A nice body, great lips, and the best personality. We talked on the phone, somewhat hung out, and honestly we had a lot of sex. He would go to my family's house have dinner and never ever brought up him being married!
Throughout our time together I was heavily drinking, and I was one who most people classified has being over bearing. I was previously in a relationship before meeting Kevin, with a very physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive man. I became depressed, anxious, and angry. And a lot of my emotions came out in my drinking. I would heavily drink, drive, sometimes crash, and became an emotional time bomb. Never mind Kevin not being in a good situation I was in a worst situation. I did not love and respect myself. Months went on with Kevin, and we continued to have fun, have sex, and hang out, but the thing was, was I never really knew him.. and he did not know me.
My parents soon found out that he was not only married but not even on the verge of separation. They then forbid us to see each other.. My drinking got worse, and we continued to have "relationship."
Eventually we/he ended it.. And the drinker that I was I did not take it well. The last time I saw him is when I showed up to his work looking for him completely intoxicated and crying..Why Why Why.. Needless to say I left unwillingly in an ambulance to this hospital. And thought that those 9ish months were it between us. And I would never seem him again..... Well was I wrong.