Just a couple days have passed ...

Today is Tuesday, and I am now on day four of being cancer free.. What a feeling! My blood work was done yesterday and that was still good and normal, and I have maintained my weight which is also very good. I have slowly started getting back into my walking routine, which has been good for me both physically and mentally.
Kevin and I are incredible... Though we haven't seen each other realizations have slowly been made.... The main thing is that we both know that this is just another week, a week of growing individually which makes us better as a team... That our love is truly unconditional, and when many may think time away, or even cutting the phone calls and half is a bad thing, well- we have come together so much as one.....
My love for him which I didn't know was possible has grown over the past few days...We have the missing you pain for each other...You know the feeling when you haven't seen someone you love and you miss them so bad it hurts... That's what we have....It's the good pain, heart throb, I love you, I want to be you forever kinda pain..
The highlight of my day today was receiving a card in the mail from Kevin's sister who I have yet to meet..But I have heard so much about. As I was opening the card, I was expecting it to be a get well, or hope your feeling better kind of card.. Which it was, but more importantly she wrote how thankful she is Kevin met me - a great person. She also said how she is so happy to see Kevin as happy as he is, and she finally sees the brother she knows and loves so much.. (crying) I was so touched, she went out of her way to send me a card, but to write such heart warming genuine feelings was so sweet, especially because she hasn't met me yet. It also gave me a realization of how lucky I am to have such an amazing man in my life who has an incredible family which I consider myself a part of. This card was also is a wink down from God that he sees; just as everybody sees how we are soul mates.. The best friends..And just full of love and happiness. I know we don't need peoples approval to be with each other, but I respect and love his family whom I have met so far and even the ones I haven't met and have heard so much about, where it does matter to me what they think and feel about Kevin and I.. I am happy that they love me, and love Kevin and I together.. We have full love and support from both sides of the family which is so great!
And I truly love Kevin unconditionally just for being him, that is all I ever want and expect from him...
We could be living in a shoe box with nothing and it would not matter, we would have each other.. ..Well as long as our shoe box has a garage for our Harley we will be all set..

Everything Always Works Out

You must all be wondering..
My six day stay at B.I was completely worth it ! I had internal radiation for five days twice a day, which worked wonders. Granted I was miserable, isolated, and sick, I am here now.. And Dr. Mullen had also put a feeding tube in which help me gain five in a half pounds so I am back up to a healthy weight for me..And for the first time, my blood work has been well up into the average person counts :)
The week went by very slow, I hated being away from Kevin. Never mind not being able to see him, my time on the phone with him was very limited because I was radioactive. Last week honestly was very tolling on the two of us...
Have you ever heard the saying "A true friend is one soul in two bodies" -Aristotle
That quote describes Kevin and I. Yes I say he is my best friend, he is my one, my everything.. Our souls were reunited for a reason, God knows the power of our faith together, how strong, and how much love we have for each other and life when we are together.. So I know that last week, is just another week, and we can make it through anything.
Friday finally came and it was a big day, full of anxieties and stress! I had the catheter for the radiation removed, and then I had a cat scan. In the cat scan, Dr. Mullen discovered that the tumor that remained had shrunk enough to where he would be able to remove it.. That wasn't the only thing he planned to remove.. He also decided to remove the tail of my pancreas, figuring that, that is where the cancer remains, and that is also the spot where it kept coming back too... As it turned out, he was able to safely remove the tumor and the tail of my pancreas.. And it went well, so well in fact I can now call myself Cancer Free! And I am still crying....for relief and also for fear..
I came home yesterday, Saturday and instead of embracing my news I spent the day in tears and fighting with the man I am in love with, but more importantly the man who is my best friend.. We decided the best thing for us, is just to take sometime from each other to figure things out.. (Crying) I know it is the best thing for him, which is the best thing for us, and that is all I want and could wish for.. I want Kevin no matter to be happy for him.. and to be proud of who he is.. and I told him that I will always answer the phone, return texts, and simply just be there unconditionally for him...I love him, he is my best friend, and my soul mate.. Therefore it does not matter the time apart, simply because our love and our eternal bond for each other can get us through absolutely anything .. Honestly, that is the best trait but Kevin and I, our eternal unconditional love for each other.. This is just another step to building an incredible everlasting bond and a life with one another.....
I have a picture, pinned to my wall. An image of you and of me and we're laughing and loving it all. Look at our life now, tattered and torn. We fuss and we fight and delight in the tears that we cry until dawn
Hold me now, warm my heart stay with me, let loving start (let loving start) You say I'm a dreamer, we're two of a kind. Both of us searching for some perfrct world we know we'll never find
So perhaps I should leave here, yeah yeah go far away But you know that theres no where that I'd rather be than with you here today
You ask if I love you, well what can I say? You know that I do and if this is just one of those games that we play So I'll sing you a new song, please don't cry anymore and then I'll ask your forgiveness, though I don't know just what I'm asking it for
Hold me now, warm my heart stay with me, let loving start, let loving start.
Hold Me Now.. Thompson Twins

I Believe Again

My stay this weekend at B.I was not as successful as I wished. As you read, I went in Thursday, got the catheter placed on my pancreas, the feeding tube put in, as well as the folio. I was in great pain the entire day, and when Dr. Mullen went back in on Friday to insert the medicine he could tell it was infected, he took it out, and inserted a new catheter which felt much better. Thank God! Any who the day and night went on, my sister-in-law sat outside my room the entire time keeping friends and family updated. Saturday approached and I had a rough night, I had been put on a ventilator due to extreme difficultly breathing mainly due to a blood clot in my lungs. I was finally taken off and was waiting to be "stable" enough to go in for another injection of medicine, mentally and physically I was not in a good spot. I had awful nausea, still very uncomfortable, and I tubes coming out of everywhere; my arm, my area, and my nose...
Honestly I started asking myself is this all worth it? What happens if it doesn't work, and I spend my last weeks or months away from life, Kevin, my family and friends... I wouldn't want to go like that, I would want to be spending everyday with my one, living everyday to the fullest, taken rides to feel free. Meanwhile I actually talked to Kevin, and that didn't go so well either... It was like icing on the cake to my already bad day.
I have this thing where I shut down when I get really upset, mostly scared, disappointed and ashamed of myself.. I like to hibernate.. Hibernate about what? Reality- I could die, and I am freaking terrified!
But in this case hibernating is and was not to my best interest by any means. I ripped the folio, the ivy, and attempted to rip the feeding tube.. I was screaming and crying, and repeating over and over again, "That's it, I am done, I am throwing in the towel." I wouldn't talk to anyone, staff and family were coming in trying to talk to me, calm me down, and then Dr. Mullen came in and said, "If this your choice to quit, there is nothing more I can do without you trying, and you will die."
I remained quiet for the rest night, and Kevin had been texting my sister-in-law back in fourth, and finally convinced her to read texts to me to get me to talk. I caved, and talked to Kevin... I told him that I would be home in the morning and that I would be going back to B.I on Monday.
He picked me up this morning on "our" bike :) and we went for a long ride to the reservoir. He knew that a ride alone, would help free me of pain and worry. It was incredible, the way the sun kissed down on us as we were on the bike.. and how I could close my eyes as we driving, and feel nothing but the wind in my face, and hear the sound of the bike. When we got there, we walked up this hill, with his arm around me and just stood there and looked at the picture-est view... I felt free and close to God... I started to regain some much needed faith.. And simply just to believe. Just looking out and standing next to my best friend who I am in love with .. I ask myself why must I be sick. We sat on the grass looking at the view.. Kevin then said, "Imagine waking up to this every morning." And I said, "I imagine waking up every morning."
As we sat there, we started to talk, just talk, about feelings and emotions running through our bodies. It was a really good talk, a lot sad and a lot happy. I felt after that talk we made another step toward our future our life with one another.. It is baby steps that we both need to make, but we both realized one thing..I have to fight to be here literally be here, and Kevin has to fight his conscience..We realized that as we fight for ourselves we are ultimately fighting for each other.. and simple happiness.. We know it does not matter where we live or what we have because the only thing that we need is each other.. No there is no such thing as the perfect, but there is such a thing as Perfect for Each Other...
As I started packing my things for the week and Kevin had left, I talked to Grampy who often gives me very blunt but wise advice. He told me JUST DO IT. That I don't have any other choice, to forget about everything else, and just fight. And if it doesn't work, at least I did do everything I could. That it is okay to be scared to die, and he said he would be too.. I cried yet again... and then he made me laugh, hard, but some texts.. :) I am laughing now thinking about it... it feels good!
And so time will tell what happens next...Good Luck To Me.. is that selfish to say? I really want to be here till the end. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and angry and I think about quitting, but I do want to be here..
I want to go through the motions and live with my soul mate, to have that look, and the feeling of home.

Sunday June 7

One last ride...
To have my soul and spirit free.

I am so very lucky to have this opportunity just to feel the wind in my face, the sound of the bike, and to have my soul be free...
Until..
Well I dont know.
But he does...

Beginning of June

After being in the hospital last weekend I thought that was it for me. I was in awful pain, nausea, and very frustrated. I was secluded because I was radioactive, and unable to get in and out of bed. I was on valium all weekend just so I could stay relax and to keep comfortable. When I left on Sunday I came home with both good and bad news I was relieved but frightened. I saw Kevin that night and only told him the good news, the look of relief on his face was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. We hung out the night and I wish it never could have ended, the love and the passion we have with one another is irreplaceable. I know people wait their entire lives to have what Kevin and I have with one another. People, places, and sicknesses may come in between us now, but that's today, not our future and certainly not forever. You must know the feeling, when someone is just right? When you could fight all day and night and hang up, but know that he or she will be their in the morning? That life is road that has bumps, but as long has you have each other that is really all that matters. Kevin has my heart, we have a friendship that is unbreakable and helps us get through the good and the bad, and mostly we have an eternal love for one another.

As the week started, I was stressed out, upset, angry, and frustrated and everybody knows that you can't hide your feelings and emotions. Kevin and I were bickering back and fourth for a couple days, and it made it that much harder to talk to him. So I turn to his best friend, who we call Grampy and talked and cried.. I vented about me, about Kevin, and about freaking cancer. But the end of the conversation I was full of piss and vinegar, he reminded that I am going to get worse before I get better, that everything with Kevin will work out, he will get rid of it, and just to do what it takes. Grampy also told me that if I needed him there, at the hospital he would be there, that meant so much, I know I am not alone but it helps knowing that I have people offering to do whatever it takes for me beat this, he also told me I had to tell Kevin... which I was not looking forward too. Kevin came to my house shortly after I was off the phone with Grampy, and he knew I had news to tell him. And so I did. I told him that I didn't lie, and that I did get good news when I left B.I on Sunday, but I also did get bad news. I told him how the internal radiation worked, actually it worked very well, but I still have a tumor left on the tail side of my pancreas. I also told him that the chemo was not helping, and therefore I would be going back in, now today, Thursday for four very intense days of internal radiation, also that I would be getting a feeding tube put in because of the rapid weight loss, a folio, and yet another blood transfusion. Can you say overload?!?! I felt like Kevin just saw a ghost, instantly I could see the sadness and fear in his eyes. We both broke down. As I have been sick our relationship has sped up... but as much as it has, it does mean the words, the love, or the friendship is not true. It has made us both, yes everybody I am speaking for him, but we have both realized what each other wants, together as a couple but mostly as individuals. Honestly I want what his parents have; simple happiness.. And I know I can have it with Kevin.. The way his dad looks at his mom is priceless, how they sit and watch tv while the other one reads, or how he drives her to her doctor appointments in Boston, how she tells his dad just to go and get something for her, and sometimes volenteers him to do something, but mostly how they enjoy each other for everyday they have with one another you can see and feel the devotion for one another .. As Kevin left my house, last night and we said goodbye and I love you, he stepped out the door, and he then turned back, looked at my with the most genuine I cant live with out you look, he grabbed me, pulled me in so close, and we stood and held each other not a word was said. . We then said I love you, and he blew me a kiss and he left.. At the single moment, not only did I want to spend forever with him, just to have that look, or even if it is possible to love him more, but I knew that we do and have and forever will, what his parents have.. Divine Love Happiness and Devotion. Now I am presently driving to B.I and will be going in for another intense four days, I am scared because it is an extra day of serious pain and nausea with a lot of added crap, but I know the outcome is worth all the pain and suffering... to be alive, to have my family and friends, and mostly to be in love with my best friend, to be with the one that completes as I complete him, to one day meet his girls, get a dog, and live simply and happily together..Yes it does happen if you have your one... and as you people read this and probably make the gag face, that means you havent found or your not with your one.. good days, bad days, tears, fears, smiles, and joys all come in package.. and hopefully you will someday find it.. I was young to find my one, Kevin is a little bit older.. but know it is NEVER to late.. and everyone in between that you meet and have a relationship with, is great, sweet, and probably very good looking but you will know when your with your one.. because there is not a piece missing the puzzle, you just have to put it together.... So I will see you all hopefully Sunday or Monday and hopefully have better news... All I can do is fight with everything I have ... and have that look for eternity.