Beginning of June

After being in the hospital last weekend I thought that was it for me. I was in awful pain, nausea, and very frustrated. I was secluded because I was radioactive, and unable to get in and out of bed. I was on valium all weekend just so I could stay relax and to keep comfortable. When I left on Sunday I came home with both good and bad news I was relieved but frightened. I saw Kevin that night and only told him the good news, the look of relief on his face was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. We hung out the night and I wish it never could have ended, the love and the passion we have with one another is irreplaceable. I know people wait their entire lives to have what Kevin and I have with one another. People, places, and sicknesses may come in between us now, but that's today, not our future and certainly not forever. You must know the feeling, when someone is just right? When you could fight all day and night and hang up, but know that he or she will be their in the morning? That life is road that has bumps, but as long has you have each other that is really all that matters. Kevin has my heart, we have a friendship that is unbreakable and helps us get through the good and the bad, and mostly we have an eternal love for one another.

As the week started, I was stressed out, upset, angry, and frustrated and everybody knows that you can't hide your feelings and emotions. Kevin and I were bickering back and fourth for a couple days, and it made it that much harder to talk to him. So I turn to his best friend, who we call Grampy and talked and cried.. I vented about me, about Kevin, and about freaking cancer. But the end of the conversation I was full of piss and vinegar, he reminded that I am going to get worse before I get better, that everything with Kevin will work out, he will get rid of it, and just to do what it takes. Grampy also told me that if I needed him there, at the hospital he would be there, that meant so much, I know I am not alone but it helps knowing that I have people offering to do whatever it takes for me beat this, he also told me I had to tell Kevin... which I was not looking forward too. Kevin came to my house shortly after I was off the phone with Grampy, and he knew I had news to tell him. And so I did. I told him that I didn't lie, and that I did get good news when I left B.I on Sunday, but I also did get bad news. I told him how the internal radiation worked, actually it worked very well, but I still have a tumor left on the tail side of my pancreas. I also told him that the chemo was not helping, and therefore I would be going back in, now today, Thursday for four very intense days of internal radiation, also that I would be getting a feeding tube put in because of the rapid weight loss, a folio, and yet another blood transfusion. Can you say overload?!?! I felt like Kevin just saw a ghost, instantly I could see the sadness and fear in his eyes. We both broke down. As I have been sick our relationship has sped up... but as much as it has, it does mean the words, the love, or the friendship is not true. It has made us both, yes everybody I am speaking for him, but we have both realized what each other wants, together as a couple but mostly as individuals. Honestly I want what his parents have; simple happiness.. And I know I can have it with Kevin.. The way his dad looks at his mom is priceless, how they sit and watch tv while the other one reads, or how he drives her to her doctor appointments in Boston, how she tells his dad just to go and get something for her, and sometimes volenteers him to do something, but mostly how they enjoy each other for everyday they have with one another you can see and feel the devotion for one another .. As Kevin left my house, last night and we said goodbye and I love you, he stepped out the door, and he then turned back, looked at my with the most genuine I cant live with out you look, he grabbed me, pulled me in so close, and we stood and held each other not a word was said. . We then said I love you, and he blew me a kiss and he left.. At the single moment, not only did I want to spend forever with him, just to have that look, or even if it is possible to love him more, but I knew that we do and have and forever will, what his parents have.. Divine Love Happiness and Devotion. Now I am presently driving to B.I and will be going in for another intense four days, I am scared because it is an extra day of serious pain and nausea with a lot of added crap, but I know the outcome is worth all the pain and suffering... to be alive, to have my family and friends, and mostly to be in love with my best friend, to be with the one that completes as I complete him, to one day meet his girls, get a dog, and live simply and happily together..Yes it does happen if you have your one... and as you people read this and probably make the gag face, that means you havent found or your not with your one.. good days, bad days, tears, fears, smiles, and joys all come in package.. and hopefully you will someday find it.. I was young to find my one, Kevin is a little bit older.. but know it is NEVER to late.. and everyone in between that you meet and have a relationship with, is great, sweet, and probably very good looking but you will know when your with your one.. because there is not a piece missing the puzzle, you just have to put it together.... So I will see you all hopefully Sunday or Monday and hopefully have better news... All I can do is fight with everything I have ... and have that look for eternity.