Today is Tuesday, and I am now on day four of being cancer free.. What a feeling! My blood work was done yesterday and that was still good and normal, and I have maintained my weight which is also very good. I have slowly started getting back into my walking routine, which has been good for me both physically and mentally.
Kevin and I are incredible... Though we haven't seen each other realizations have slowly been made.... The main thing is that we both know that this is just another week, a week of growing individually which makes us better as a team... That our love is truly unconditional, and when many may think time away, or even cutting the phone calls and half is a bad thing, well- we have come together so much as one.....
My love for him which I didn't know was possible has grown over the past few days...We have the missing you pain for each other...You know the feeling when you haven't seen someone you love and you miss them so bad it hurts... That's what we have....It's the good pain, heart throb, I love you, I want to be you forever kinda pain..
The highlight of my day today was receiving a card in the mail from Kevin's sister who I have yet to meet..But I have heard so much about. As I was opening the card, I was expecting it to be a get well, or hope your feeling better kind of card.. Which it was, but more importantly she wrote how thankful she is Kevin met me - a great person. She also said how she is so happy to see Kevin as happy as he is, and she finally sees the brother she knows and loves so much.. (crying) I was so touched, she went out of her way to send me a card, but to write such heart warming genuine feelings was so sweet, especially because she hasn't met me yet. It also gave me a realization of how lucky I am to have such an amazing man in my life who has an incredible family which I consider myself a part of. This card was also is a wink down from God that he sees; just as everybody sees how we are soul mates.. The best friends..And just full of love and happiness. I know we don't need peoples approval to be with each other, but I respect and love his family whom I have met so far and even the ones I haven't met and have heard so much about, where it does matter to me what they think and feel about Kevin and I.. I am happy that they love me, and love Kevin and I together.. We have full love and support from both sides of the family which is so great!
And I truly love Kevin unconditionally just for being him, that is all I ever want and expect from him...
We could be living in a shoe box with nothing and it would not matter, we would have each other.. ..Well as long as our shoe box has a garage for our Harley we will be all set..
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Everything Always Works Out
You must all be wondering..
My six day stay at B.I was completely worth it ! I had internal radiation for five days twice a day, which worked wonders. Granted I was miserable, isolated, and sick, I am here now.. And Dr. Mullen had also put a feeding tube in which help me gain five in a half pounds so I am back up to a healthy weight for me..And for the first time, my blood work has been well up into the average person counts :)
The week went by very slow, I hated being away from Kevin. Never mind not being able to see him, my time on the phone with him was very limited because I was radioactive. Last week honestly was very tolling on the two of us...
Have you ever heard the saying "A true friend is one soul in two bodies" -Aristotle
That quote describes Kevin and I. Yes I say he is my best friend, he is my one, my everything.. Our souls were reunited for a reason, God knows the power of our faith together, how strong, and how much love we have for each other and life when we are together.. So I know that last week, is just another week, and we can make it through anything.
Friday finally came and it was a big day, full of anxieties and stress! I had the catheter for the radiation removed, and then I had a cat scan. In the cat scan, Dr. Mullen discovered that the tumor that remained had shrunk enough to where he would be able to remove it.. That wasn't the only thing he planned to remove.. He also decided to remove the tail of my pancreas, figuring that, that is where the cancer remains, and that is also the spot where it kept coming back too... As it turned out, he was able to safely remove the tumor and the tail of my pancreas.. And it went well, so well in fact I can now call myself Cancer Free! And I am still crying....for relief and also for fear..
I came home yesterday, Saturday and instead of embracing my news I spent the day in tears and fighting with the man I am in love with, but more importantly the man who is my best friend.. We decided the best thing for us, is just to take sometime from each other to figure things out.. (Crying) I know it is the best thing for him, which is the best thing for us, and that is all I want and could wish for.. I want Kevin no matter to be happy for him.. and to be proud of who he is.. and I told him that I will always answer the phone, return texts, and simply just be there unconditionally for him...I love him, he is my best friend, and my soul mate.. Therefore it does not matter the time apart, simply because our love and our eternal bond for each other can get us through absolutely anything .. Honestly, that is the best trait but Kevin and I, our eternal unconditional love for each other.. This is just another step to building an incredible everlasting bond and a life with one another.....
I have a picture, pinned to my wall. An image of you and of me and we're laughing and loving it all. Look at our life now, tattered and torn. We fuss and we fight and delight in the tears that we cry until dawn
Hold me now, warm my heart stay with me, let loving start (let loving start) You say I'm a dreamer, we're two of a kind. Both of us searching for some perfrct world we know we'll never find
So perhaps I should leave here, yeah yeah go far away But you know that theres no where that I'd rather be than with you here today
You ask if I love you, well what can I say? You know that I do and if this is just one of those games that we play So I'll sing you a new song, please don't cry anymore and then I'll ask your forgiveness, though I don't know just what I'm asking it for
Hold me now, warm my heart stay with me, let loving start, let loving start.
Hold Me Now.. Thompson Twins
My six day stay at B.I was completely worth it ! I had internal radiation for five days twice a day, which worked wonders. Granted I was miserable, isolated, and sick, I am here now.. And Dr. Mullen had also put a feeding tube in which help me gain five in a half pounds so I am back up to a healthy weight for me..And for the first time, my blood work has been well up into the average person counts :)
The week went by very slow, I hated being away from Kevin. Never mind not being able to see him, my time on the phone with him was very limited because I was radioactive. Last week honestly was very tolling on the two of us...
Have you ever heard the saying "A true friend is one soul in two bodies" -Aristotle
That quote describes Kevin and I. Yes I say he is my best friend, he is my one, my everything.. Our souls were reunited for a reason, God knows the power of our faith together, how strong, and how much love we have for each other and life when we are together.. So I know that last week, is just another week, and we can make it through anything.
Friday finally came and it was a big day, full of anxieties and stress! I had the catheter for the radiation removed, and then I had a cat scan. In the cat scan, Dr. Mullen discovered that the tumor that remained had shrunk enough to where he would be able to remove it.. That wasn't the only thing he planned to remove.. He also decided to remove the tail of my pancreas, figuring that, that is where the cancer remains, and that is also the spot where it kept coming back too... As it turned out, he was able to safely remove the tumor and the tail of my pancreas.. And it went well, so well in fact I can now call myself Cancer Free! And I am still crying....for relief and also for fear..
I came home yesterday, Saturday and instead of embracing my news I spent the day in tears and fighting with the man I am in love with, but more importantly the man who is my best friend.. We decided the best thing for us, is just to take sometime from each other to figure things out.. (Crying) I know it is the best thing for him, which is the best thing for us, and that is all I want and could wish for.. I want Kevin no matter to be happy for him.. and to be proud of who he is.. and I told him that I will always answer the phone, return texts, and simply just be there unconditionally for him...I love him, he is my best friend, and my soul mate.. Therefore it does not matter the time apart, simply because our love and our eternal bond for each other can get us through absolutely anything .. Honestly, that is the best trait but Kevin and I, our eternal unconditional love for each other.. This is just another step to building an incredible everlasting bond and a life with one another.....
I have a picture, pinned to my wall. An image of you and of me and we're laughing and loving it all. Look at our life now, tattered and torn. We fuss and we fight and delight in the tears that we cry until dawn
Hold me now, warm my heart stay with me, let loving start (let loving start) You say I'm a dreamer, we're two of a kind. Both of us searching for some perfrct world we know we'll never find
So perhaps I should leave here, yeah yeah go far away But you know that theres no where that I'd rather be than with you here today
You ask if I love you, well what can I say? You know that I do and if this is just one of those games that we play So I'll sing you a new song, please don't cry anymore and then I'll ask your forgiveness, though I don't know just what I'm asking it for
Hold me now, warm my heart stay with me, let loving start, let loving start.
Hold Me Now.. Thompson Twins
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I Believe Again
My stay this weekend at B.I was not as successful as I wished. As you read, I went in Thursday, got the catheter placed on my pancreas, the feeding tube put in, as well as the folio. I was in great pain the entire day, and when Dr. Mullen went back in on Friday to insert the medicine he could tell it was infected, he took it out, and inserted a new catheter which felt much better. Thank God! Any who the day and night went on, my sister-in-law sat outside my room the entire time keeping friends and family updated. Saturday approached and I had a rough night, I had been put on a ventilator due to extreme difficultly breathing mainly due to a blood clot in my lungs. I was finally taken off and was waiting to be "stable" enough to go in for another injection of medicine, mentally and physically I was not in a good spot. I had awful nausea, still very uncomfortable, and I tubes coming out of everywhere; my arm, my area, and my nose...
Honestly I started asking myself is this all worth it? What happens if it doesn't work, and I spend my last weeks or months away from life, Kevin, my family and friends... I wouldn't want to go like that, I would want to be spending everyday with my one, living everyday to the fullest, taken rides to feel free. Meanwhile I actually talked to Kevin, and that didn't go so well either... It was like icing on the cake to my already bad day.
I have this thing where I shut down when I get really upset, mostly scared, disappointed and ashamed of myself.. I like to hibernate.. Hibernate about what? Reality- I could die, and I am freaking terrified!
But in this case hibernating is and was not to my best interest by any means. I ripped the folio, the ivy, and attempted to rip the feeding tube.. I was screaming and crying, and repeating over and over again, "That's it, I am done, I am throwing in the towel." I wouldn't talk to anyone, staff and family were coming in trying to talk to me, calm me down, and then Dr. Mullen came in and said, "If this your choice to quit, there is nothing more I can do without you trying, and you will die."
I remained quiet for the rest night, and Kevin had been texting my sister-in-law back in fourth, and finally convinced her to read texts to me to get me to talk. I caved, and talked to Kevin... I told him that I would be home in the morning and that I would be going back to B.I on Monday.
He picked me up this morning on "our" bike :) and we went for a long ride to the reservoir. He knew that a ride alone, would help free me of pain and worry. It was incredible, the way the sun kissed down on us as we were on the bike.. and how I could close my eyes as we driving, and feel nothing but the wind in my face, and hear the sound of the bike. When we got there, we walked up this hill, with his arm around me and just stood there and looked at the picture-est view... I felt free and close to God... I started to regain some much needed faith.. And simply just to believe. Just looking out and standing next to my best friend who I am in love with .. I ask myself why must I be sick. We sat on the grass looking at the view.. Kevin then said, "Imagine waking up to this every morning." And I said, "I imagine waking up every morning."
As we sat there, we started to talk, just talk, about feelings and emotions running through our bodies. It was a really good talk, a lot sad and a lot happy. I felt after that talk we made another step toward our future our life with one another.. It is baby steps that we both need to make, but we both realized one thing..I have to fight to be here literally be here, and Kevin has to fight his conscience..We realized that as we fight for ourselves we are ultimately fighting for each other.. and simple happiness.. We know it does not matter where we live or what we have because the only thing that we need is each other.. No there is no such thing as the perfect, but there is such a thing as Perfect for Each Other...
As I started packing my things for the week and Kevin had left, I talked to Grampy who often gives me very blunt but wise advice. He told me JUST DO IT. That I don't have any other choice, to forget about everything else, and just fight. And if it doesn't work, at least I did do everything I could. That it is okay to be scared to die, and he said he would be too.. I cried yet again... and then he made me laugh, hard, but some texts.. :) I am laughing now thinking about it... it feels good!
And so time will tell what happens next...Good Luck To Me.. is that selfish to say? I really want to be here till the end. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and angry and I think about quitting, but I do want to be here..
I want to go through the motions and live with my soul mate, to have that look, and the feeling of home.
Honestly I started asking myself is this all worth it? What happens if it doesn't work, and I spend my last weeks or months away from life, Kevin, my family and friends... I wouldn't want to go like that, I would want to be spending everyday with my one, living everyday to the fullest, taken rides to feel free. Meanwhile I actually talked to Kevin, and that didn't go so well either... It was like icing on the cake to my already bad day.
I have this thing where I shut down when I get really upset, mostly scared, disappointed and ashamed of myself.. I like to hibernate.. Hibernate about what? Reality- I could die, and I am freaking terrified!
But in this case hibernating is and was not to my best interest by any means. I ripped the folio, the ivy, and attempted to rip the feeding tube.. I was screaming and crying, and repeating over and over again, "That's it, I am done, I am throwing in the towel." I wouldn't talk to anyone, staff and family were coming in trying to talk to me, calm me down, and then Dr. Mullen came in and said, "If this your choice to quit, there is nothing more I can do without you trying, and you will die."
I remained quiet for the rest night, and Kevin had been texting my sister-in-law back in fourth, and finally convinced her to read texts to me to get me to talk. I caved, and talked to Kevin... I told him that I would be home in the morning and that I would be going back to B.I on Monday.
He picked me up this morning on "our" bike :) and we went for a long ride to the reservoir. He knew that a ride alone, would help free me of pain and worry. It was incredible, the way the sun kissed down on us as we were on the bike.. and how I could close my eyes as we driving, and feel nothing but the wind in my face, and hear the sound of the bike. When we got there, we walked up this hill, with his arm around me and just stood there and looked at the picture-est view... I felt free and close to God... I started to regain some much needed faith.. And simply just to believe. Just looking out and standing next to my best friend who I am in love with .. I ask myself why must I be sick. We sat on the grass looking at the view.. Kevin then said, "Imagine waking up to this every morning." And I said, "I imagine waking up every morning."
As we sat there, we started to talk, just talk, about feelings and emotions running through our bodies. It was a really good talk, a lot sad and a lot happy. I felt after that talk we made another step toward our future our life with one another.. It is baby steps that we both need to make, but we both realized one thing..I have to fight to be here literally be here, and Kevin has to fight his conscience..We realized that as we fight for ourselves we are ultimately fighting for each other.. and simple happiness.. We know it does not matter where we live or what we have because the only thing that we need is each other.. No there is no such thing as the perfect, but there is such a thing as Perfect for Each Other...
As I started packing my things for the week and Kevin had left, I talked to Grampy who often gives me very blunt but wise advice. He told me JUST DO IT. That I don't have any other choice, to forget about everything else, and just fight. And if it doesn't work, at least I did do everything I could. That it is okay to be scared to die, and he said he would be too.. I cried yet again... and then he made me laugh, hard, but some texts.. :) I am laughing now thinking about it... it feels good!
And so time will tell what happens next...Good Luck To Me.. is that selfish to say? I really want to be here till the end. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and angry and I think about quitting, but I do want to be here..
I want to go through the motions and live with my soul mate, to have that look, and the feeling of home.
Sunday June 7
One last ride...
To have my soul and spirit free.
I am so very lucky to have this opportunity just to feel the wind in my face, the sound of the bike, and to have my soul be free...
Until..
Well I dont know.
But he does...
To have my soul and spirit free.
I am so very lucky to have this opportunity just to feel the wind in my face, the sound of the bike, and to have my soul be free...
Until..
Well I dont know.
But he does...
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Beginning of June
After being in the hospital last weekend I thought that was it for me. I was in awful pain, nausea, and very frustrated. I was secluded because I was radioactive, and unable to get in and out of bed. I was on valium all weekend just so I could stay relax and to keep comfortable. When I left on Sunday I came home with both good and bad news I was relieved but frightened. I saw Kevin that night and only told him the good news, the look of relief on his face was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. We hung out the night and I wish it never could have ended, the love and the passion we have with one another is irreplaceable. I know people wait their entire lives to have what Kevin and I have with one another. People, places, and sicknesses may come in between us now, but that's today, not our future and certainly not forever. You must know the feeling, when someone is just right? When you could fight all day and night and hang up, but know that he or she will be their in the morning? That life is road that has bumps, but as long has you have each other that is really all that matters. Kevin has my heart, we have a friendship that is unbreakable and helps us get through the good and the bad, and mostly we have an eternal love for one another.
As the week started, I was stressed out, upset, angry, and frustrated and everybody knows that you can't hide your feelings and emotions. Kevin and I were bickering back and fourth for a couple days, and it made it that much harder to talk to him. So I turn to his best friend, who we call Grampy and talked and cried.. I vented about me, about Kevin, and about freaking cancer. But the end of the conversation I was full of piss and vinegar, he reminded that I am going to get worse before I get better, that everything with Kevin will work out, he will get rid of it, and just to do what it takes. Grampy also told me that if I needed him there, at the hospital he would be there, that meant so much, I know I am not alone but it helps knowing that I have people offering to do whatever it takes for me beat this, he also told me I had to tell Kevin... which I was not looking forward too. Kevin came to my house shortly after I was off the phone with Grampy, and he knew I had news to tell him. And so I did. I told him that I didn't lie, and that I did get good news when I left B.I on Sunday, but I also did get bad news. I told him how the internal radiation worked, actually it worked very well, but I still have a tumor left on the tail side of my pancreas. I also told him that the chemo was not helping, and therefore I would be going back in, now today, Thursday for four very intense days of internal radiation, also that I would be getting a feeding tube put in because of the rapid weight loss, a folio, and yet another blood transfusion. Can you say overload?!?! I felt like Kevin just saw a ghost, instantly I could see the sadness and fear in his eyes. We both broke down. As I have been sick our relationship has sped up... but as much as it has, it does mean the words, the love, or the friendship is not true. It has made us both, yes everybody I am speaking for him, but we have both realized what each other wants, together as a couple but mostly as individuals. Honestly I want what his parents have; simple happiness.. And I know I can have it with Kevin.. The way his dad looks at his mom is priceless, how they sit and watch tv while the other one reads, or how he drives her to her doctor appointments in Boston, how she tells his dad just to go and get something for her, and sometimes volenteers him to do something, but mostly how they enjoy each other for everyday they have with one another you can see and feel the devotion for one another .. As Kevin left my house, last night and we said goodbye and I love you, he stepped out the door, and he then turned back, looked at my with the most genuine I cant live with out you look, he grabbed me, pulled me in so close, and we stood and held each other not a word was said. . We then said I love you, and he blew me a kiss and he left.. At the single moment, not only did I want to spend forever with him, just to have that look, or even if it is possible to love him more, but I knew that we do and have and forever will, what his parents have.. Divine Love Happiness and Devotion. Now I am presently driving to B.I and will be going in for another intense four days, I am scared because it is an extra day of serious pain and nausea with a lot of added crap, but I know the outcome is worth all the pain and suffering... to be alive, to have my family and friends, and mostly to be in love with my best friend, to be with the one that completes as I complete him, to one day meet his girls, get a dog, and live simply and happily together..Yes it does happen if you have your one... and as you people read this and probably make the gag face, that means you havent found or your not with your one.. good days, bad days, tears, fears, smiles, and joys all come in package.. and hopefully you will someday find it.. I was young to find my one, Kevin is a little bit older.. but know it is NEVER to late.. and everyone in between that you meet and have a relationship with, is great, sweet, and probably very good looking but you will know when your with your one.. because there is not a piece missing the puzzle, you just have to put it together.... So I will see you all hopefully Sunday or Monday and hopefully have better news... All I can do is fight with everything I have ... and have that look for eternity.
Friday, May 29, 2009
May
Kevin and I were having rough days, feelings and emotions were all over the place.. We tried taking days off from each other but it was near impossible.. In the past couple weeks I have found the tumors on pancreas have returned.. I went back in for surgery where Dr. Mullen put the sensors back on.. and told me that I have to step up my game or I will be on a very short time frame to live..
As that news came about the tumors returning, I miscarried before I could tell Kevin that I was even pregnant. My grandfather had passed away the week that I miscarried, and my grandmother had passed the month before.. Kevin and I were not in "love" land and life just seemed to be at halt. So many emotions; anger, fear, sadness, disappoint, and simply the thought of why...
I was emotionally damage, and one afternoon as Kevin and I were having a fight of sorts I came out and told him.. I told him everything.. how my cancer had come back and that I was pregnant..but I miscarried.. and how I saw life crashing and I didn't kn0w what to do .. He of course was in shock, and felt all of the same emotions as I have been feeling... He asked over and over why I didn't tell him about our baby, and I just said I couldn't, especially after finding him there..And I told him how the doctors said if I made it past 3 months that I would most likely carry full term.
Kevin and I talk about our baby and agree that it would have been a girl, and she would have been beautiful, with big beautiful lips like her mom and dad.. but now God who brought Kevin and I together has her.. our baby by his side.. And is watching over us, and helping us stay strong and keep our faith.
Presently today I am waiting to go in to B.I with my Aunt. I am receiving internal radiation that is deadly and will hopefully kill the cancer cells that remain in my body. It is so powerful where I cant see people and even the staff at the hospital needs to take extreme caution.
And honestly I am scared, I have been scared before, but this is one of my last hopes, I don't want a timeline on how long I have left and I am going to fight and do everything I can to be here, and to be with my best friend.. Our baby is watching us, God is watching, our families are praying, I have become part of not only Kevin's immediate family, but his extended family.. They told me yesterday I am apart of them and their life.. I am going to beat this. This is no other choice... My time is not up, and struggles are apart of life and love.. I look forward to 5 years from now, to be in remission, and laugh when something comes up in Kevin and I's life and we sit back and say we are team and we can handle everything..
I am on prayer lines, I hold the medallion of the blessed mother, I believe angel, a medal of Saint Anthony, and another medal I wear around my neck.. I will not disappoint anyone.. and God knows that I need to be here.. and I will continue to stand by my best friend and live life with him.. Second chances.. right? everybody deserves one second chance.. and not to settle.. in the great book Gates of Fire... to love is to fear..
I WILL BEAT THIS! I am not done.. My life, Our Life is just beginning...we have gone through more than any two people ever do in a life time together...
As that news came about the tumors returning, I miscarried before I could tell Kevin that I was even pregnant. My grandfather had passed away the week that I miscarried, and my grandmother had passed the month before.. Kevin and I were not in "love" land and life just seemed to be at halt. So many emotions; anger, fear, sadness, disappoint, and simply the thought of why...
I was emotionally damage, and one afternoon as Kevin and I were having a fight of sorts I came out and told him.. I told him everything.. how my cancer had come back and that I was pregnant..but I miscarried.. and how I saw life crashing and I didn't kn0w what to do .. He of course was in shock, and felt all of the same emotions as I have been feeling... He asked over and over why I didn't tell him about our baby, and I just said I couldn't, especially after finding him there..And I told him how the doctors said if I made it past 3 months that I would most likely carry full term.
Kevin and I talk about our baby and agree that it would have been a girl, and she would have been beautiful, with big beautiful lips like her mom and dad.. but now God who brought Kevin and I together has her.. our baby by his side.. And is watching over us, and helping us stay strong and keep our faith.
Presently today I am waiting to go in to B.I with my Aunt. I am receiving internal radiation that is deadly and will hopefully kill the cancer cells that remain in my body. It is so powerful where I cant see people and even the staff at the hospital needs to take extreme caution.
And honestly I am scared, I have been scared before, but this is one of my last hopes, I don't want a timeline on how long I have left and I am going to fight and do everything I can to be here, and to be with my best friend.. Our baby is watching us, God is watching, our families are praying, I have become part of not only Kevin's immediate family, but his extended family.. They told me yesterday I am apart of them and their life.. I am going to beat this. This is no other choice... My time is not up, and struggles are apart of life and love.. I look forward to 5 years from now, to be in remission, and laugh when something comes up in Kevin and I's life and we sit back and say we are team and we can handle everything..
I am on prayer lines, I hold the medallion of the blessed mother, I believe angel, a medal of Saint Anthony, and another medal I wear around my neck.. I will not disappoint anyone.. and God knows that I need to be here.. and I will continue to stand by my best friend and live life with him.. Second chances.. right? everybody deserves one second chance.. and not to settle.. in the great book Gates of Fire... to love is to fear..
I WILL BEAT THIS! I am not done.. My life, Our Life is just beginning...we have gone through more than any two people ever do in a life time together...
Struggles are Apart of Life
Time has gone on and Kevin and I have grown closer than ever... I never thought for second that two people who had a rough start could be brought back together, so much in love, and have helped each other on so many different levels... Since February as I said I have undergone surgeries, chemo, and radiation. I formally met Kevin's parents at a healing mass that Father Paco was holding. I instantly saw so much of Kevin in both of his parents..Not really having time to talk to them, being that we were at mass in all, they were sweet and caring...Just for them to come and show support for Kevin and I and what I was going through said a lot. His parents and I started talking and I would visit them at their home, I felt welcomed and loved by them instantly. With everything going on, I still felt good at where I was and where Kevin and I were. Some days were definitely better than others- physically and emotionally that is. The days of chemo made me feel like death the day of and a few days after ..which was very hard for Kevin.. Watching him watch me go through this, and being able to do nothing is an awful feeling... I could not imagine watching him go through something and not being able to fix it or help. Regardless...we were moving on, and he would tell me day in and day out how much he loved me, and how I was his one..as we approached April I was getting both good news and bad news from Dr. Mullen... which of course put strain on our relationship.. was I or could I die.. Whats going to happen..
Kevin started acting a bit different.. and I would question him.. he would tell me not to worry, things are just hard right now, between me being sick, trying to start the divorce process, and watching his girls have good days and bad days without him being there...
Well one night my gut instinct told me something wasn't right .. I was at B.I that day and found out I was pregnant..almost 2 months pregnant that is... I was shocked, happy, and scared .. For my own health reasons all the doctors agreed it would be life threatening for me to carry full term with my condition.. I didn't care ... Bringing life into this world, with the man I love my very best friend was the best feeling.. Also at the beginning of treatment back in February the team told me, for me to conceive a child now and in the future was extremely rare to near impossible... But we were able to, I thought to myself, this is a sign, another sign from God, to bring Kevin and I closer together..
So that night I told Kevin I was staying the the B.I, and he told me he was home and going to bed, that he loved me and could not wait to see me the following day... Well I followed him that night, and where did he go? To who I thought was his ex girlfriends house, I sat there I cried, and then I became numb, I didn't believe this was happening.. I couldn't believe I fell for him, his lines, his words, and his actions ... Needless to say I got out of the car went up and confronted him..Never mind being so sick but I was pregnant with our baby..
There were lots of words being said between her, him, and I... I told him I would walk away if he said she was his one... I also told him how I called one of his best friend before I walked up to her door, and all Kevin said was did he tell you I don't give a F*ck about her.. I again said I'll walk away, its your choice.. Long story short he left with me. and told me I was his one.
The next he called and picked me up, we drove around, stopped and saw his parents, went to eat... but we were both in shock... numb.. and overwhelmed..
I started thinking to myself why me? why now? why this? I just found out I was pregnant and instead of embracing the news, I kept it from him.. and it was an awful feeling.. A couple weeks have gone on ... and
Kevin started acting a bit different.. and I would question him.. he would tell me not to worry, things are just hard right now, between me being sick, trying to start the divorce process, and watching his girls have good days and bad days without him being there...
Well one night my gut instinct told me something wasn't right .. I was at B.I that day and found out I was pregnant..almost 2 months pregnant that is... I was shocked, happy, and scared .. For my own health reasons all the doctors agreed it would be life threatening for me to carry full term with my condition.. I didn't care ... Bringing life into this world, with the man I love my very best friend was the best feeling.. Also at the beginning of treatment back in February the team told me, for me to conceive a child now and in the future was extremely rare to near impossible... But we were able to, I thought to myself, this is a sign, another sign from God, to bring Kevin and I closer together..
So that night I told Kevin I was staying the the B.I, and he told me he was home and going to bed, that he loved me and could not wait to see me the following day... Well I followed him that night, and where did he go? To who I thought was his ex girlfriends house, I sat there I cried, and then I became numb, I didn't believe this was happening.. I couldn't believe I fell for him, his lines, his words, and his actions ... Needless to say I got out of the car went up and confronted him..Never mind being so sick but I was pregnant with our baby..
There were lots of words being said between her, him, and I... I told him I would walk away if he said she was his one... I also told him how I called one of his best friend before I walked up to her door, and all Kevin said was did he tell you I don't give a F*ck about her.. I again said I'll walk away, its your choice.. Long story short he left with me. and told me I was his one.
The next he called and picked me up, we drove around, stopped and saw his parents, went to eat... but we were both in shock... numb.. and overwhelmed..
I started thinking to myself why me? why now? why this? I just found out I was pregnant and instead of embracing the news, I kept it from him.. and it was an awful feeling.. A couple weeks have gone on ... and
Father Paco
So as I was saying I was introduced to these two men who at the time I did not realize would be life changing to not only me, my family, but to Kevin, Kevin's family, and to Kevin and I. Dr. Mullen and his amazing team, were able to diagnose me with Pancreatic Cancer, which over time spread throughout my stomach. I have had multiple surgeries in which his team has removed part of my stomach, small intestines, spleen, and part of my liver. I got radio-sensors placed on the actual tumors on my pancreas to constantly help make my pancreas better. I was doing rounds of chemo and radiation and even though I was under going all of this, I still could have been doing a little more on my part to get better...
Father Paco who is known for his healing prayers and masses all over was brought to our (Kevin and I's) attention by his Aunt, who had seen him multiple times and as I said is now a Five Year Survivor of Breast Cancer and she is also in her 70's which is an incredible story in it own.
I met his Aunt, who I took right too, she completely took me under her wing.. She talked to me about being sick, about not only the physical aspect but the emotional and mental aspect of it as well. I cry and have cried to her multiple times and she always talked about Father Paco.
So I knew my next step, I called Father Paco and was able to set up a meeting with him..Kevin and I went we walked in and he was so warm and loving.. He thought we were there to do pre-marital counseling... we spoke to him for a few minutes and then he had Kevin stand behind me with his hands on my shoulders and Father Paco knelt down, put healing ointment on my forehead and started praying..His hands were warm, he released all the pain and anxiety from my body at that moment.. He wished Kevin and I a lifetime of happiness together, that we are strong individuals but stronger together.. To accept my disease and what God has in stored for me. ..When he was done, I was light headed and didn't know if I was going to be able to get up from the chair. Father Paco brought tears to Kevin and I..and we left.. He told me to keep him updated and that there is healing mass every fourth Monday of the month.
I feel after our meeting with Father Paco, we started to evaluate life, our relationship, and stopped taking so many things for granted..
Not only did Kevin and I realize it, but his family did too.. That fate brought us together.. To help each other.. For him to move on, to trust, have faith, and to get a second chance of being in love.. real mutual love..honestly what could be better than being in love with your best friend. And he showed me and gave me will to fight, he showed me what real love is, and to have faith, and have a best friend who I love and loves me back.. Kevin has shown me that their one special someone for everyone .. and He is mine ... even if their are struggles
Father Paco who is known for his healing prayers and masses all over was brought to our (Kevin and I's) attention by his Aunt, who had seen him multiple times and as I said is now a Five Year Survivor of Breast Cancer and she is also in her 70's which is an incredible story in it own.
I met his Aunt, who I took right too, she completely took me under her wing.. She talked to me about being sick, about not only the physical aspect but the emotional and mental aspect of it as well. I cry and have cried to her multiple times and she always talked about Father Paco.
So I knew my next step, I called Father Paco and was able to set up a meeting with him..Kevin and I went we walked in and he was so warm and loving.. He thought we were there to do pre-marital counseling... we spoke to him for a few minutes and then he had Kevin stand behind me with his hands on my shoulders and Father Paco knelt down, put healing ointment on my forehead and started praying..His hands were warm, he released all the pain and anxiety from my body at that moment.. He wished Kevin and I a lifetime of happiness together, that we are strong individuals but stronger together.. To accept my disease and what God has in stored for me. ..When he was done, I was light headed and didn't know if I was going to be able to get up from the chair. Father Paco brought tears to Kevin and I..and we left.. He told me to keep him updated and that there is healing mass every fourth Monday of the month.
I feel after our meeting with Father Paco, we started to evaluate life, our relationship, and stopped taking so many things for granted..
Not only did Kevin and I realize it, but his family did too.. That fate brought us together.. To help each other.. For him to move on, to trust, have faith, and to get a second chance of being in love.. real mutual love..honestly what could be better than being in love with your best friend. And he showed me and gave me will to fight, he showed me what real love is, and to have faith, and have a best friend who I love and loves me back.. Kevin has shown me that their one special someone for everyone .. and He is mine ... even if their are struggles
Thursday, May 28, 2009
August to Febuary
So Kevin and I started to see each other regularly. He told me he was out of his house, and seeing someone and honestly I thought nothing of it. We were just two people from each others past who came back to hang out. We were going out a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean every night till all hours. The end of September came and it was a girlfriend's birthday and we were all going to Boston to celebrate, I of course invited Kevin who invited one of his good friends who I had hung up with previously. We all went and had an amazing time; it was fun, full of laughs, dancing, eating, and drinking. And to be quite honest it was good showing two people who regularly saw me completely intoxicated that I could go out and just have fun with a couple drinks.
Needless to say Kevin and I were slowly hooking up with one another.. Our kiss alone makes me speechless, the way our lips press against each other, the fullness the softness even the wetness is all just enough.. We then started to sleep with each other not regularly but often enough... I wanted to, but he was with someone. Months carried on, and it came time for my birthday, yes he got me something that I really wanted but it was the card he got me..or I should say what he wrote in the card...It was funny but sweet and and really just said how we balance each other, and how we are ourselves with each other at all the times..
**On a side note I have been sick, with what I did not know, but had severe stomach problems, pain, vomiting, and blood. I had been going through multiple tests and still very much dissatisfied with the results.
Okay, back to us, so Kevin started telling me that he was seeing this woman less and less, and that she was great, sweet, and had a great body...But she wasn't his match, he was bored, their personalities didn't match as much as they could. Saying nothing wrong with her, it just wasn't his match..
We both agreed how crazy of a match we were, yes we are physically attracted to each other, but our personalities, our sense of humor, and our passions are insanely the same... We don't even need to say anything we look at each other and we laugh, or we just know what each other is thinking. We love to go out, but we love to stay in, we love the same movies, music, motorcycles, and simply we are just able to be each other with one another. I know this may seem to good to be true, but it is not. It is real. We finally after a year in a half started to know who each other was and couldn't get enough of it.
January is when things started getting difficult. I first and foremost found out that I had cancer. Not skin cancer or anything, but first diagnosed with small intestinal cancer and then later diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I remember the night I told Kevin, we were at nice dinner and I told him I was very sick.. And I would be starting some type of treatment very very soon....After that night everything changed. He came and told me he was done with the other woman.. That he loved me, and I was his one, his soul mate.. And of course the feeling was mutual. A couple weeks went on, and I was not getting better in any sort of way. Kevin soon started talking to his parents about me, which I thought was great.. He is serious enough about me to talk his parents.. His parents then spoke to his Aunt who is a stage 3 breast cancer survivor, and through the grapevine news traveled through Kevin's family I was introduced to the incredible Dr. Mullen at B.I in Boston and a healing priest Father Paco out of Framingham...
Needless to say Kevin and I were slowly hooking up with one another.. Our kiss alone makes me speechless, the way our lips press against each other, the fullness the softness even the wetness is all just enough.. We then started to sleep with each other not regularly but often enough... I wanted to, but he was with someone. Months carried on, and it came time for my birthday, yes he got me something that I really wanted but it was the card he got me..or I should say what he wrote in the card...It was funny but sweet and and really just said how we balance each other, and how we are ourselves with each other at all the times..
**On a side note I have been sick, with what I did not know, but had severe stomach problems, pain, vomiting, and blood. I had been going through multiple tests and still very much dissatisfied with the results.
Okay, back to us, so Kevin started telling me that he was seeing this woman less and less, and that she was great, sweet, and had a great body...But she wasn't his match, he was bored, their personalities didn't match as much as they could. Saying nothing wrong with her, it just wasn't his match..
We both agreed how crazy of a match we were, yes we are physically attracted to each other, but our personalities, our sense of humor, and our passions are insanely the same... We don't even need to say anything we look at each other and we laugh, or we just know what each other is thinking. We love to go out, but we love to stay in, we love the same movies, music, motorcycles, and simply we are just able to be each other with one another. I know this may seem to good to be true, but it is not. It is real. We finally after a year in a half started to know who each other was and couldn't get enough of it.
January is when things started getting difficult. I first and foremost found out that I had cancer. Not skin cancer or anything, but first diagnosed with small intestinal cancer and then later diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I remember the night I told Kevin, we were at nice dinner and I told him I was very sick.. And I would be starting some type of treatment very very soon....After that night everything changed. He came and told me he was done with the other woman.. That he loved me, and I was his one, his soul mate.. And of course the feeling was mutual. A couple weeks went on, and I was not getting better in any sort of way. Kevin soon started talking to his parents about me, which I thought was great.. He is serious enough about me to talk his parents.. His parents then spoke to his Aunt who is a stage 3 breast cancer survivor, and through the grapevine news traveled through Kevin's family I was introduced to the incredible Dr. Mullen at B.I in Boston and a healing priest Father Paco out of Framingham...
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
How it all started again....
The separation of Kevin and I was hard at first but was the best thing that could have happened to me at the point in my life. Within months I started loving and respecting myself, learning ways to deal with my emotions and thoughts. I was learning new things about myself, and realized what I wanted in life and finally stopped settling for something okay...That I deserved something and someone great. And I also had stopped drinking.
Kevin and I ended in around December 07 and I really thought it was it with him. I started driving responsibly and hanging around with good people. I was then able to have a drink, and be okay with just one, and not numb myself. As the summer of 08' started I had seen Kevin's truck drive by, and yes of course it sparked my interest but did not pursue anything. I saw his trucked parked one day and I knew he had to be with his kids, and thought should I just go in, so I can get a quick glimpse.. and still chose not too. I ended up running into a good friend of his, who had introduced to us. His friend seemed taken back with the new me. I was happy, healthy, not drunk, no tears, and was just full of life. He took my new number, and we talked once a week maybe. I then ran into another good friend of Kevin's and he too I felt saw the new real me, again full of life and love.
Then August 25ish came, my phone started ringing, it was about 10 o'clock at night and it was restricted I was sitting outside my gym. I picked up and say hello, and all i heard was hello back. I asked who it was, and he said you know. And I said no I don't know, and he said yes he do....I went into shock. ..I kept saying no no no.. it cant be... and it was Kevin! He asked if I wanted to meet up sometime and I said sure. We met the next night after almost 10 months of no contact and had dinner.. He looked incredible, everything about him was perfection... We left dinner and he then asked if I wanted to go up to this lake.. and I said sure. As I was following him to the lake, I panicked and thought to myself I didn't want it to be like this.. I wanted to show him me, the real me, who he never knew. ...I ditched him that night, and I didn't have his number, and he called for a week straight before I picked up... I was scared, nervous, and excited.. but I knew I was doing the right thing by not going with him there that night.
Kevin and I ended in around December 07 and I really thought it was it with him. I started driving responsibly and hanging around with good people. I was then able to have a drink, and be okay with just one, and not numb myself. As the summer of 08' started I had seen Kevin's truck drive by, and yes of course it sparked my interest but did not pursue anything. I saw his trucked parked one day and I knew he had to be with his kids, and thought should I just go in, so I can get a quick glimpse.. and still chose not too. I ended up running into a good friend of his, who had introduced to us. His friend seemed taken back with the new me. I was happy, healthy, not drunk, no tears, and was just full of life. He took my new number, and we talked once a week maybe. I then ran into another good friend of Kevin's and he too I felt saw the new real me, again full of life and love.
Then August 25ish came, my phone started ringing, it was about 10 o'clock at night and it was restricted I was sitting outside my gym. I picked up and say hello, and all i heard was hello back. I asked who it was, and he said you know. And I said no I don't know, and he said yes he do....I went into shock. ..I kept saying no no no.. it cant be... and it was Kevin! He asked if I wanted to meet up sometime and I said sure. We met the next night after almost 10 months of no contact and had dinner.. He looked incredible, everything about him was perfection... We left dinner and he then asked if I wanted to go up to this lake.. and I said sure. As I was following him to the lake, I panicked and thought to myself I didn't want it to be like this.. I wanted to show him me, the real me, who he never knew. ...I ditched him that night, and I didn't have his number, and he called for a week straight before I picked up... I was scared, nervous, and excited.. but I knew I was doing the right thing by not going with him there that night.
Overview..
I met this guy Kevin two years ago this past memorial day weekend, he was 34 and I was 21. You think the age gap might have been the only problem.Unannounced to my knowledge at first he was married, going through problems but still very much married and living in the house with his wife and two girls. He works locally for the town next door to the town we both live in. I met a couple of his friends before meeting him, we went out, had fun, and hooked up. One of his friends proceeded to introduce me to Kevin for what reason I dont know, being married in all. Anyways, I met Kevin and thought he was perfect... A nice body, great lips, and the best personality. We talked on the phone, somewhat hung out, and honestly we had a lot of sex. He would go to my family's house have dinner and never ever brought up him being married!
Throughout our time together I was heavily drinking, and I was one who most people classified has being over bearing. I was previously in a relationship before meeting Kevin, with a very physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive man. I became depressed, anxious, and angry. And a lot of my emotions came out in my drinking. I would heavily drink, drive, sometimes crash, and became an emotional time bomb. Never mind Kevin not being in a good situation I was in a worst situation. I did not love and respect myself. Months went on with Kevin, and we continued to have fun, have sex, and hang out, but the thing was, was I never really knew him.. and he did not know me.
My parents soon found out that he was not only married but not even on the verge of separation. They then forbid us to see each other.. My drinking got worse, and we continued to have "relationship."
Eventually we/he ended it.. And the drinker that I was I did not take it well. The last time I saw him is when I showed up to his work looking for him completely intoxicated and crying..Why Why Why.. Needless to say I left unwillingly in an ambulance to this hospital. And thought that those 9ish months were it between us. And I would never seem him again..... Well was I wrong.
Throughout our time together I was heavily drinking, and I was one who most people classified has being over bearing. I was previously in a relationship before meeting Kevin, with a very physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive man. I became depressed, anxious, and angry. And a lot of my emotions came out in my drinking. I would heavily drink, drive, sometimes crash, and became an emotional time bomb. Never mind Kevin not being in a good situation I was in a worst situation. I did not love and respect myself. Months went on with Kevin, and we continued to have fun, have sex, and hang out, but the thing was, was I never really knew him.. and he did not know me.
My parents soon found out that he was not only married but not even on the verge of separation. They then forbid us to see each other.. My drinking got worse, and we continued to have "relationship."
Eventually we/he ended it.. And the drinker that I was I did not take it well. The last time I saw him is when I showed up to his work looking for him completely intoxicated and crying..Why Why Why.. Needless to say I left unwillingly in an ambulance to this hospital. And thought that those 9ish months were it between us. And I would never seem him again..... Well was I wrong.
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