May

Kevin and I were having rough days, feelings and emotions were all over the place.. We tried taking days off from each other but it was near impossible.. In the past couple weeks I have found the tumors on pancreas have returned.. I went back in for surgery where Dr. Mullen put the sensors back on.. and told me that I have to step up my game or I will be on a very short time frame to live..
As that news came about the tumors returning, I miscarried before I could tell Kevin that I was even pregnant. My grandfather had passed away the week that I miscarried, and my grandmother had passed the month before.. Kevin and I were not in "love" land and life just seemed to be at halt. So many emotions; anger, fear, sadness, disappoint, and simply the thought of why...
I was emotionally damage, and one afternoon as Kevin and I were having a fight of sorts I came out and told him.. I told him everything.. how my cancer had come back and that I was pregnant..but I miscarried.. and how I saw life crashing and I didn't kn0w what to do .. He of course was in shock, and felt all of the same emotions as I have been feeling... He asked over and over why I didn't tell him about our baby, and I just said I couldn't, especially after finding him there..And I told him how the doctors said if I made it past 3 months that I would most likely carry full term.
Kevin and I talk about our baby and agree that it would have been a girl, and she would have been beautiful, with big beautiful lips like her mom and dad.. but now God who brought Kevin and I together has her.. our baby by his side.. And is watching over us, and helping us stay strong and keep our faith.
Presently today I am waiting to go in to B.I with my Aunt. I am receiving internal radiation that is deadly and will hopefully kill the cancer cells that remain in my body. It is so powerful where I cant see people and even the staff at the hospital needs to take extreme caution.
And honestly I am scared, I have been scared before, but this is one of my last hopes, I don't want a timeline on how long I have left and I am going to fight and do everything I can to be here, and to be with my best friend.. Our baby is watching us, God is watching, our families are praying, I have become part of not only Kevin's immediate family, but his extended family.. They told me yesterday I am apart of them and their life.. I am going to beat this. This is no other choice... My time is not up, and struggles are apart of life and love.. I look forward to 5 years from now, to be in remission, and laugh when something comes up in Kevin and I's life and we sit back and say we are team and we can handle everything..
I am on prayer lines, I hold the medallion of the blessed mother, I believe angel, a medal of Saint Anthony, and another medal I wear around my neck.. I will not disappoint anyone.. and God knows that I need to be here.. and I will continue to stand by my best friend and live life with him.. Second chances.. right? everybody deserves one second chance.. and not to settle.. in the great book Gates of Fire... to love is to fear..
I WILL BEAT THIS! I am not done.. My life, Our Life is just beginning...we have gone through more than any two people ever do in a life time together...