How it all started again....

The separation of Kevin and I was hard at first but was the best thing that could have happened to me at the point in my life. Within months I started loving and respecting myself, learning ways to deal with my emotions and thoughts. I was learning new things about myself, and realized what I wanted in life and finally stopped settling for something okay...That I deserved something and someone great. And I also had stopped drinking.
Kevin and I ended in around December 07 and I really thought it was it with him. I started driving responsibly and hanging around with good people. I was then able to have a drink, and be okay with just one, and not numb myself. As the summer of 08' started I had seen Kevin's truck drive by, and yes of course it sparked my interest but did not pursue anything. I saw his trucked parked one day and I knew he had to be with his kids, and thought should I just go in, so I can get a quick glimpse.. and still chose not too. I ended up running into a good friend of his, who had introduced to us. His friend seemed taken back with the new me. I was happy, healthy, not drunk, no tears, and was just full of life. He took my new number, and we talked once a week maybe. I then ran into another good friend of Kevin's and he too I felt saw the new real me, again full of life and love.
Then August 25ish came, my phone started ringing, it was about 10 o'clock at night and it was restricted I was sitting outside my gym. I picked up and say hello, and all i heard was hello back. I asked who it was, and he said you know. And I said no I don't know, and he said yes he do....I went into shock. ..I kept saying no no no.. it cant be... and it was Kevin! He asked if I wanted to meet up sometime and I said sure. We met the next night after almost 10 months of no contact and had dinner.. He looked incredible, everything about him was perfection... We left dinner and he then asked if I wanted to go up to this lake.. and I said sure. As I was following him to the lake, I panicked and thought to myself I didn't want it to be like this.. I wanted to show him me, the real me, who he never knew. ...I ditched him that night, and I didn't have his number, and he called for a week straight before I picked up... I was scared, nervous, and excited.. but I knew I was doing the right thing by not going with him there that night.